Lessons Learned: A Twilight-related Post

Fans of Twilight would probably be rejoicing just about now as Twilight: Breaking Down Dawn is due in theaters in three days. For the rest of you, you'd probably shudder and think, "Ugh. Sparkly vampire and emo wolfboy, part four-and-a-half."

Lame storyline and bad acting aside, I'm not saying the Twilight franchise is awful per se - if you'd look hard enough (or lived through any of the first three movies without wanting to jump off a cliff), you'd actually come to the realization that there ARE lessons to be learned.

• Love at first sight whiff - Before Edward was introduced to Bella he smelled her from across the room. True, as a vampire his sense of smell is finely tuned to react to the scent of blood but YOU'RE MISSING THE WHOLE POINT HERE! As Edward said in the first film, Bella's scent is like his "personal brand of heroin"  *sniff sniff*

Is this what they used to make ol' Eddie glitter?

• Be accepting of your partner's eccentricity - Quirks like sparkles, odd eye colour, superhuman strength, the ability to read minds as well as occasional blood lust ought to be tolerated, if not accepted, to ensure a lasting relationship.
• No personal time/space - Edward and Bella are so into each other that the thought of leaving each other for a few days rivals wrenching out a kidney. Really, your partner only needs some alone time to shower and change clothes, and even then, you should be waiting for him/her at the other side of the door. When truly, madly, deeply in love, consider yourself attached to the hip.

I hallucinate about my ex-love when my heart is broken.

• Breaking up is hard to do - In the event that you and your partner should break up, withdrawing from life as you lived it, depression and hallucinations about your other half are expected side effects. This is what they call true love being lovesick, boys and girls.
• Do NOT rob the cradle - Even if the guy/girl you're in love with is a sixteen-year old hottie, it's WRONG to rob the cradle. Go for someone your age, please. An imbalanced relationship is always doomed, no matter what they tell you in the Twilight franchise.