Tuesday, April 26, 2011

How to be Malaysian!

A No-Nonsense Guide To Being A True Blue Malaysian
Ever find it hard to fit in here? Believe it or not, there are proper procedures to go through to be truly deemed a true blue Malaysian…Beware my friend, it’s not easy being us…

Eat Like There’s No Tomorrow
People eat to live, Malaysians live to eat! Char Kueh Teow, Nasi Lemak, Assam Laksa. All these words are supposed to trigger the saliva glands automatically before you can even say “flapjack”. The first step to be Malaysian is to make FOOD your motivation in life! Drive for 2 hours to look for the best sate in town, or practice in front of the mirror till you have perfected that longing look on your face when you friend is eating steaming hot Curry Noodles. Remember that skipping a meal is a taboo (unless you’re saving stomach space for an upcoming buffet, in that case the Kiasu factor overrides the Food factor).

Drive Like A Malaysian
It’s a non-spoken rule that you cannot deem yourself a DRIVER till you’ve drive on Malaysian Roads. Of course, in Malaysia, you aren’t a proper driver till you learnt to curse words like “*%#(*%$” and “)$*%$*&*$%” when you’re driving. Malaysian drivers like to drive in the emergency lane (watch out for police blocks and police cars), and one’s gotta have superb lane cutting skills when you wanna drive on our streets. How? You slowly ease to the left in front of a car, and look the other way and “pretend dunno, pretend dunno!”

Our Road, Our Rules
We’ve got our own rules, don’t you know? Malaysians like to go by the traffic light rule – Green means go, Yellow means speed up, Red means drift, drift, drift! Remember, it’s all at your own risk, ya? Double parking is also a unique Malaysian skill, where your mission is to squeeze your car into every single nook and corner you can find at the parking lot. If there was an Olympic event for Doulbe Parking, Malaysians are a shoo-in to win hands down. Practice with a smaller car first, then proceed with bigger sedans. Remember that scratches are definitely a guarantee till you reach perfection.

Manglish Expert
We like extra syllables in our conversation, so feel free to add extra Lah, Leh, Liao, Lor or Ah at the end of every sentence. Speaking like that makes you feel more at home and familiar with that person. If not, they’ll most prob call you a snob. Pronounce your R’s as L’s and enunciate every word harshly. Watch more Phua Chu Kang and practice this on your local mixed rice stall “uncle ar, gif me cheaper la….”

Tak Paham Bahasa
To you noobs, this means many of us don’t understand the language. If they say “No Littering”, it means you litter right beneath the signboard itself. If it says “No smoking”, feel free to smoke and add to the irony by smoking right under the signboard itself. In fact, you know what? Don’t bother learning to read Bahasa and just do what you feel like. It takes a whole lot of courage and guts to go against what the sign says and do just the opposite.

Malaysian Timing
There’s even a term invented for our concept of time – Malaysian Time. Note to yourself that you’re NEVER, EVER in any case come early unless it’s to queue up for a big sale or freebies. Feel free to be AT LEAST 15 minutes late, and if the person you’re meeting call you up, repeatedly say to him/her “I’m coming, I’m coming” although you’re still at home watching your TVB dramas.

Accidents Happen
Yes they do, and when there are road accidents, it’s an unspoken rule that you’ve gotta travel at 10km per hour, slow down as much as you can to take a look and if you can, take a picture! If you wanna be true Malaysian, stop your car behind the accident site and stand from afar and take a look. It’s also advisable to take down the plate number of the car involved and buy lottery, Toto, 4D or “ma piao”.

Never Buy Malaysian
It’s a simple rule of thumb. Anything that is “Buatan Malaysia”, we never buy. It could be cars, accessories, local products, we’re staunch supporters of foreign products and never our own local products, unless money is a driving force. Also, ever wonder why Malaysian women have great, broad shoulders? It’s from the exercise they get from pushing and wrestling the opponents during the Malaysian Mega Sales carnival. That’s when they come out in big bunches to hunt…

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